


Seven Years

by atstargazer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Teen Years, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 10:01:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20113279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atstargazer/pseuds/atstargazer
Summary: Seven years of Remus Lupin's life, illustrated through short memories, thoughts, and feelings.





	Seven Years

> _1971-1978_

_Remus Lupin. Eleven. _Freckles on his nose. Draws pictures with his finger on the inside of the window. Has read every book in his house more than once. Counts the cracks in the ceiling as he lays in bed. Is afraid of the moon. Wishes on falling stars. Stays upstairs when someone from dad’s work comes over. He’s good at being quiet. Mother helped him plant a tree and it’s started to grow. He likes this house and doesn’t want to move. Professor Dumbledore is very good at chess. Sleeps with his acceptance letter under his pillow. Listens to conversations through the cracks in the door. Picks at the bandages on his arm. Talks to the bugs in the garden. Can’t sleep the night before he leaves and doesn’t know if he’s excited or terrified. Decides on both. Mother is crying and dad is quiet. Secondhand robes two sizes too big. He’s never seen so many kids in one place before. The hat was wrong and he isn’t brave. James Potter is loud. Peter Pettigrew gave him a chocolate frog. Sirius Black smiled at him. Maybe he will be okay here after all.

_Remus Lupin. Twelve._ Chocolate on the edge of his lips. Likes planning pranks with his friends. A lot. Loves the way that word sounds in his head: friends. He’s good at keeping secrets. Doesn’t like the way that word sounds in his head. He can beat Sirius at chess. Heavy jumpers with holes for his thumbs are the best. Broken bones are not. James likes Quidditch so he does too. Loves Defense Against the Dark Arts. He sits with Lily in the library sometimes. Don’t tell the others. There are a lot of rules in boys club and Remus doesn’t understand why. Shares liquorice wands with Peter in the common room. Changes clothes behind his bed curtains just in case. Loves the way a hot mug of hot chocolate feels between his fingers. Whispers in bed with Sirius after he’s had a bad nightmare. They’ve decided to be pirates. Mother writes a lot of letters and he tells her everything. Except that incident with the window. The others find out and he wants to cry but that would break the rules so he doesn’t. Sirius thinks it’s cool but he has never heard the wolf scream before. He still has friends and knows that shooting star wishes are real.

_Remus Lupin. Thirteen._ Dad is better at being quiet than him. Mother knits at the edge of his bed after the full moon and talks twice as much. The bones in her wrist stick out even more than his but he doesn’t say anything. James doesn’t like Snape so Remus doesn’t either, even though Remus thought that he was alright and much better than him at Potions. Writes neat notes. Has messy hair. They are studying werewolves in class today and Remus scratches his wrist until it bleeds instead of taking notes. He’s still good at keeping secrets. Has a crooked smile that makes the edges of his eyes crinkle. Makes bad jokes that aren’t funny but laughs anyways. Drinks hot chocolate with Peter and makes cream mustaches. Sirius has just as many nightmares as he does. Shares his comic book collection with Lily. Secretly thinks that she is the most brilliant girl that he knows. James pushes them in the lake and water gets up his nose. Peter swears that he touched the giant squid. Sirius grabs his hand and pulls him in deeper and Remus doesn’t let go even though his socks are wet and the water is cold.

_Remus Lupin. Fourteen. _His parents aren’t as good at keeping secrets. He has read all of the books in the house more than once but none of them say anything about cancer. Watches the stars from the window instead of sleeping. Is still afraid of the moon. Takes care of his mother’s flowers outside when she is too tired. Loves to write letters. He can never get all of the ink stains off of his fingers. Has claimed the squishy chair by the fire as his own. Sirius will always insist on sharing the seat with him even if the other sofas are free. Bites his lip. Always wears his uniform properly. Doesn’t understand how James and Sirius can be so good at everything without ever studying. He works even harder to catch up. It snows on boxing day but his mother doesn’t get to see it. Wants to tear himself apart to forget. Almost does. Can recite the alphabet backwards. Hates the taste of food but eats anyways. Sits next to Lily at a Quidditch match and spends most of it closing his eyes. Keeps caramels in his pocket until they melt. Has scratchy mittens and tears in his robes. More scars under his robes. Drinks firewhiskey and likes the burn. Is good at card games but hates parties.

_Remus Lupin. Fifteen._ Bruises on his wrists. Sugar dust from trolley sweets on his fingertips. Straightens his prefect badge carefully. His robes are too short and his legs are too tall. Peter beats him at chess. Loves coffee ice cream but hates the taste of coffee. Stop that Sirius. Sits by the lake and skips stones with Lily. He wants to cry when he sees three animagi in his room. Still can’t make sense of boys club rules but is learning. Fell into a secret passage with James and added it to the map. Doesn’t understand girls and knows that he never will. Lily doesn’t count. Chews on the end of his pens until they break and stain his mouth. The silence at home is the loudest thing he’s ever known. He laughs when Sirius sings and watches his lips instead of his eyes. But Severus knows now because Sirius told him and his heart hurts more than he ever thought possible. James is angry and Peter is confused and he hasn’t spoken with Sirius in days. He scratches the scars on his arms until they bleed and then some. There aren’t any letters that summer and Remus thinks that this is the worst part. He rips out all of the flowers from the flowerbed and walks down the street even though he’s not supposed to. Forgets breakfast and lunch and eats coffee ice cream for dinner. The wolf decides he doesn’t like his face very much and tears that apart, too. This one is harder to hide.

_Remus Lupin. Sixteen. _Hears whispers of blood supremacy in the halls at school and reads through the names in the paper without speaking. Rolls caramels on his tongue during class. Forgives because he doesn’t know how to do anything else. He takes photos with his mother’s old muggle camera and keeps them in a box under his bed. His hair falls into his face while he’s taking notes. Eats a dozen pumpkin pasties on Halloween. His feet hang off the edge of his bed when he sleeps. Wears cozy jumpers that everyone nicks during the winter months. Is terrible at giving gifts. Is brilliant at planning pranks. Avoids Snape whenever possible. Knows how to lie his way out of a detention with his prefect badge securely in place. Will either take showers that are scalding hot or ice cold; there is no in between. They have made a game out of the pattern of Peter’s snores. James is winning. He spends free blocks in the library with Lily working on their N.E.W.T.s. Drinking in the dorm with the others until everyone else has fallen asleep. Remus wakes up with Sirius’ breath at his ear and never wants to move again.

_Remus Lupin. Seventeen. _Has sharp collarbones and even sharper eyes when he bends over and listens to the wizard wireless. He’s all angles and jagged lines except the soft edge of his smile as he passes notes in class. Meets with Professor McGonagall for an advising session and they both don’t want to say what they already know. Doesn’t just want to get good marks anymore; he needs to. He has to prove himself to Professor Dumbledore for giving him a chance and the people at the Ministry who told him that it wouldn’t mean anything once he graduates anyways. Bites his lip. Folds his legs underneath him in the common room as he works. Listens to his mother’s jazz records in his dorm on a lazy Sunday. Lily kisses James and he wonders what that is like. Ice cold or scalding hot. Reads about the wolves joining Voldemort in the prophet and everyone in Hogsmeade double checks their locks at night. Good. James wraps his arm around his shoulder. Scuffs on his robes. Peter snorts butterbeer out his nose. Sirius laughs a little too hard. Remus accidentally watches his lips instead of his eyes. Five murders this week. Dark thoughts cling to his mind like sickness and Remus is still good at keeping secrets. His hand shakes while he writes his final exam. Hates the burn of smoke in his lungs but loves the way that it smells on Sirius’ leather jacket. Exams are over and he still hates parties. Falls asleep sharing the seat by the fire with long legs falling over the armrest. He likes this place and doesn’t want to leave. Professor Dumbledore flashes him a smile as he graduates. His eyes crinkle at the edges. Rides the train home for the last time with bruised wrists and sugar dust from trolley sweets on his fingertips. He doesn’t know if he is excited or terrified and knows that the hat was still wrong and he has never been brave. James Potter is still loud. Peter Pettigrew gives him a chocolate frog. Sirius Black smiles at him. They’re leaving but it’s okay. Maybe they will make it after all.


End file.
